The worst part about my chosen field is that I constantly have to remind people, I’m funny, gosh darn. Maybe, fine, only law students get my humor. Maybe only my friends, those used to my particular brand of bizarre, get my humor. But when Bitter Lawyer posted Ten Things You Will Do While Studying for the Bar, it wasn’t just funny. It is hopelessly, depressingly true. So, if for some strange, polite reason, you feel the need to ask me how the bar is going, here are the 10 things I have done this summer:
1. Fail a Practice Exam. Right right. It’s part of the process, sign of my impending doom, etc. etc. Still, it’d be great if doom didn’t feel quite so imminent.
2. Resent Anyone Who Says You Will Pass. Bitter Lawyer promised me blood-boiling rage, I think I’ve managed to restrict my reaction to mild annoyance accompanied by a polite smile, but my inner dragon is begging to roar. It’s not that I don’t appreciate your faith in me but saying so will NOT make me understand replevin, ademption by satisfaction v. ademption by extinction, and automobile searches.
3. Abandon Something You Normally Do. I “might start showering at alarmingly low rates, eating erratically, and talking to friends and family basically never.” Guilty as charged. But look, as long as you can’t smell me from a foot away, you can’t hold this against me, right? Right??
4. Buy Something Ridiculous. Ok I lied. I haven’t completely succumbed to bar-sanity. I mean, that salon-brand hair product is tempting. As does that Tory Burch purse. Same with that fully-sequined mini-dress at BCBG and Victoria Secret’s most promising strapless bra. Alas, my weak wallet is still in too low of a weight-class for stress-spending.
5. Have Some Kind of Sleep Issue. Check. Dear Sleep-Gods, please convince my body that night time is not 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. Nor is nighttime from 5 a.m. to 5 p.m. Please save me from becoming one of the walking dead because my sleep-cycle suggests that I’m either becoming a vampire or zombie. (Can the un-dead stay vegetarian?)
6. Gain or Lose Weight. Both? Yes, bar-summer seemed like the best time to start working out regularly. And the best time to eat coconut cream AND that pint of ice cream.
7. Pick up a weird habit. Grinding my teeth, biting my nails, overplucking the eyebrows… check check check. Except those were from law school. Does insisting on working out every day count? Watching marathons of increasingly dramatic tv shows while eating/doing yoga/core exercises count? Or a weird obsession with my skin care regimine? Man, I’m going to look GREAT after the bar.
8. Drink alone. “There will come a day when the anxiety of the day will result in you drinking a beer in your underwear at three in the afternoon.” Oh Yuengling. How you were there for me when that day arrived.
9. Have a Weird Run-in with a Stranger. Oof. Do they mean that moment where I grab a boy at a wedding and tell him not to hide his pot in his girlfriend’s purse, never to talk to the cops, or let his mom let the police search his room? Or when I text my friend from New Hampshire telling him that he has a constitutional right not display his state logo on his license plate (life free or die are not your only options!)?
10. Cry. I cried when I overheated my chocolate cake. I cried while listening to Kelly Rowland’s “Dirty Laundry.” I cried while listening to NPR on my drive to school. I cried while watching Nashville and Scandal . I’ve cried for good reasons and for no good reason. I think I’m done crying now. I’m dehydrated, guys.
There you go. That’s my life. That’s my daily schedule until Aug. 1. Pray for me, friends.